Forget The Papal Tiara...

 

…bring back the Papal Beard!

Yes, all those pseudo-traditionalists out there who are clamoring away about the Papal Tiara--that recent addition to the papal wardrobe first documented in the Liber Pontificalis as being worn by Pope Constantine (708-715)--would do better to direct their energy to an even older tradition that dates back to the very first pope, Peter, namely, the Papal Beard. 

Last I checked, women wore tiaras and men wore beards!

For the first 643 years of the Church, every single pope had a beard!

After all, what is the main reason why Catholics want the Papal Tiara restored? It is a sign of the Pope’s authority. Okay, but what better way for the Pope to say, “I’m in charge, here,” than to sport a full beard? In the East, not to have a beard is considered to be a sign of weakness and lack of manliness. All of the Eastern Orthodox Patriarchs have beards, just like the Lord and the apostles did.

Look at this beard! You Orthodox know who really runs the show in the East.

Even Vladimir Putin was no match for the Patriarch of Russia and his beard.

My beard must break you.

Think about it…this is a vital ecumenical issue! How can the East take us Roman Catholics seriously when our faces are as soft as a parthenos after exfoliating with Aegean sea salt?

And by “us” I mean you!

No sea salts for this face.

Just think of how quickly the schism of 1054 would be healed if Pope Francis grew a beard!

Okay, so I suck at photoshop.

or this:

My one loyal reader has better photoshop skills than me.

...maybe that will take a while.

In the meantime, we as Catholic lay and clergy (provided your bishop and/or rules of your order allow it) can throw away our razors and grow out our beards in solidarity with our Eastern brethren (both Eastern Orthodox and Eastern-Catholic). So let it grow! And when someone asks why you are doing it, tell them it’s for Christian unity.

Cardinal Cleemis has already started.

Show off.